Friday, 10 March 2017

Virtual Strangers, Family and adoption

I wasn't even going to publish this post, I was just going to do my usual and write it as my therapy. I usually put down on paper how I feel about something in a bare honest way, it helps me rationalise things, and gives me space to think and change my views on something. 

After all none of our ideas and opinions are fixed, they can change from one day to the next day, talking about things usually puts things in perspective, writing my thoughts and feelings down as if speaking to myself helps me to see what it is I am actually seeing and feeling and thinking. 

I don't usually post those writings but this one I felt was worth posting.

Someone made a comment on my post about using my experiences in life to help others in similar situations, I hadn't quite picked up which part of my past experiences she meant, I automatically thought about the abuse side of the story but it got me to think about the adoption side of the story and one that is very seldom heard.

Children who are removed from their family or common ancestral roots, for whatever reason, to be adopted into another family, to become a part of a common group of people, who are a unit of people, who all have that common ancestry, apart from the adopted child, is a complex issue and the effects of that on the adopted child when they become adults are very seldom recognised or understood.

Identity to anyone is an integral part of each and every one of our lives, who we are makes us, family is an essential ingredient to any identity.

Family as defined means all descendants of a common ancestor meaning the birth family and a second definition is parents and children living as one unit or a group, there are a few definitions of what is family, all this dictates how people learn important life skills and beliefs

The concept of family is often debated and you will often hear people voice the opinion that their friends serve as a better family than anyone who they are related to by blood.

Sociological imagination, defined as the ability to see the societal patterns that influence both the individual and groups of individuals. He believed that in order to understand the experience of a given person or group of people, it was necessary also to consider and understand the social and historical context in which they lived (Mills 1959). 

 A good book to read is  Sociology of Families by David M. Newman this book begins at the level of the individual by examining familiar contemporary issues ¾ topics students are likely to feel strongly about. David Newman and Liz Grauerholz next show students the deeper and more detailed sociological underpinnings of the issues at hand, using the theories and data of social sciences to understand the meaning and broader relevance of these controversies and experiences.

Back to my own experiences, adoption is something that has shaped me and my relationship to others, throughout my life, I have two birth sisters, both older, one I will call 'M', who I get on very well with or as well as can be expected for adopted sisters as far as I am concerned, she may have a different opinion and hate my guts, but as far as I know, we have a good relationship and I love her to bits, but in contrast the other which I will call 'I'...not so much.
The outcome from a strange random abusive posts attack on my facebook page by 'I', exclaiming that the name in use was not my name but her name and why was I using it, I obviously replied ' because it is on my birth certificate so I assume that makes it my name, this resulted in me blocking her from my facebook and in reality ultimately from my life.

Our common bond growing up was broken at a few months old when I was taken for adoption and moved many miles away to live life in another city, I never even knew she existed until I was in my late 20's, I never grew up longing for a sister I never knew because I had no idea she even existed and quite often I wish it could go back to that blissful ignorant state, as it is far less complicated emotionally than knowing you have a sister that you cannot bond with.

Some would think this was a sad situation for two sisters to fight like this and this being the result, but sadly we are only sisters in the definition of descendants of the common ancestor, everything else that makes us family has never existed and never will, that was removed when those adoption papers were signed.

She is a virtual stranger to me and I have only probably met her a handful of times in my entire life, there are no significant life events that have been shared between us, we have never spent a Christmas together, or birthdays, or holidays, or weddings, or births. 

The only event we shared was our mothers death and even then my sister had issues brewing all throughout the event, until we finally got to a point where we got back to getting on with our lives after the funeral, despite not agreeing on mum being on the the Liverpool care pathway (see here what it is apart from being horrific) that my sister put my mum on, I spoke to a nurse about getting her off it, but I was ignored as the sister had legal rights and say.

I handled all that by sitting back and letting the sister deal with it the way she wanted as none of that was of much importance to me, after the fact that my mum had just had her time on this earth shortened by a few people who didn't think her life was worth anything and therefore decided to starve her to death for two weeks. 

It would have been kinder if they treated her like a dog and gave her a lethal injection, moaning over small details of the funeral seemed a pointless exercise at this point, even down to the cremation which the sister insisted on, despite mum wanting a burial with her late husband, I just let it be and let the sister deal with it all, mum was gone, I was just there to say my goodbye's, I just made sure her ashes were scattered on her late husband's grave later on. 

So the only event I have ever shared with her, wasn't exactly  a good one.

I don't even know who her partner or husband is or even if she is married or if she is single.

I know she has two boys, but I know nothing about them, apart from one who I see on facebook, other than their facebook posts I know nothing about them or her, I have no idea if she works or does not, I have no idea who her best friend is or even where she lives other than a general area.

I don't even know her birthday other than she is ten years older than me, she holds no great significance or importance in my life in any way shape or form.

She has never been there in times of sorrow or times of joy, she is just there on the other end of my facebook, perched on the end of my facebook friends list and that is about as much as we have got.

If I email her to make a connection, the email usually goes ignored, resulting in me rarely wasting too much time even bothering writing a quick 'Hi how ya doing to her facebook.

It has become clear over the years that she has some kind of issue with me just by me walking on this Earth, just by breathing, I offend her for some reason. Sadly as she has never bothered to communicate those issues to me, other than chatting bubbles to other people behind my back, rather than to my face, she has just slowly become a person that I have very little in common with, other than the same birth mother, and from what I have experienced of her so far, she is not even someone I would choose to be friends with.

knowing she is my sister, doesn't add any advantage to my life, she is not a person I would call on for any advice or assistance in times of need, she is just there through fate of birth, an estranged sister, a casualty of the adoption concept. I lost all hope and knew long ago that our relationship would never be anything other than estranged sisters, I have come to terms with that and am happy to move forwards feeling happier I will have no more of these strange outburst on my facebook wall from this virtual stranger.

What the abuse and the adoption taught me about life is, that if someone wants to abuse you in any way, then there is nothing to stop you from walking away and cutting that person off, no matter who they are. 

Life is too short to get bogged down in other people's issues, especially issues that they alone can deal with, as most often that issue they are dealing with is about them and not about you.

You can only be responsible for yourself and your own life, making yourself miserable because someone else is, is not a great way to live.

Below are some links for support services for adults of adoption:-

After Adoption
Adoption Services for Adults

For further reading:-

Adoption books for adults


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